Summer vacation is over

February 5, 2006 | Blog

Any “clear headed” rationalizations merely obfuscated the real issue: summer vacation was over, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. Not to say I didn’t try.

First I tested hiding as a method in which to relieve myself from the end of summer. This highly scientific process led me to three discoveries:

  1. My physical location had little effect on the fast approach of “the end”
  2. The real culprit was time, rather than my actual location in space (eureka!)
  3. Cramped quarters and full bladders are not good friends

Realizing the true problem now, I decided to abstain from time. You know, just for a little while. But apparently, this is easier said than done. At first, you might think, you could just ignore time. Pretend it’s not there, and perhaps it will go away. But time is a persistent bugger, and it tends to hang around whether you pay it any attention or not. It’s rather unwelcome, as a matter of fact.

Fine then, I thought, I’ll opt out. I’ll opt out of time by way of some metaphysical do not call list. I’ll divorce time, we’ll each go our separate ways, but I get dog custody, of course. And so you’d think with time always hanging around, it’d be easy to contact. But no,  it’s never there when you want it. So with no real means of making contact with the time customer service line, I needed another plan. Technology, I decided, would be the cure.

Never let anyone ever tell you you never learned anything from watching television. I learned you can build a time machine out of almost anything: a police box, a phone booth, a Delorean, a bunch of old watch parts. I also learned that cathode ray tubes hold a potentially lethal electrical charge, even when unplugged, and the doctors assured me that I’ll be able to feel my hands again in a matter of weeks. “Give it time,” they said. Don’t get me started.

A few other things I learned through my experiments with time:

  1. You can’t actually kill time. There might be a time for killing, but just not time itself, and that’s a really creepy phrase
  2. “Time waits for no man”, which is kind of rude. I mean, if I promised somebody a ride, I’d give them a few extra minutes to get ready. Time should expect us all to be late, and schedule accordingly.
  3. “Time heals all wounds”. Bullshit, it was the stinky ointment.
  4. “Time is relative”. Well, maybe the one you don’t talk about because they’ve done questionable things to livestock.
  5. “Out of time”. I tried, you can’t. It appears to be endless.
  6. “Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.” Ahem. Thoreau can suck it.

So anyway, summer vacation was over, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. So, here I am, back at work. New blog, new web host, new domain name, new stories and entries each week. Even original comics now and again, because sometimes reading is hard, and you just want to look at the pretty pictures and chuckle.

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